Last Updated: May 4, 2012
Next Update: June 1, 2012

I'm back, baby!

Sorry I didn't have an update last month. That happens whenever life won't stop pummeling me long enough for me to get to a keyboard and my beloved pals on the internets. But I'm back (with a vengeance!) and I've brought an old friend with me!

That's right! Last seen in 2010, let's all welcome back our favorite method of filling up space on the front page whenever I'm too lazy to do a proper update. Ladies and gentlemen, a round of applause for The E-Mail Roundup!!!

FEATURED THIS MONTH

E-MAIL ROUNDUP IV
2012 MAYAN CALENDAR APOCALYPSE EDITION
(Super-Sized Just In Case The World Ends Before We Can Do Another One Of These)

These are actual e-mails, PMs, IMs, etc.  that players have sent me since the last E-Mail Round Up back in October 2010. I haven't changed a word (or any misspellings), though I may have edited them down to shorter form, suitable for posting here (any edits will be marked with "...").  In some cases, if you wrote me more than once, I may have combined more than one of your letters into a single entry to keep the page from getting more cluttered than necessary.

The e-mails are in Fan-tastic White. My responses are in Snark-tastic Blue.

If I posted an e-mail from you and you don't want me putting your name up there for the world to see, then just e-mail me and I'll take remove your name.

I hope the rest of you guys enjoy them. And send one of your own in, if you like. I promise I read every one!

First up, the most frequently asked question in the mail box these days is pretty much the same as the as it was in the last few e-mail roundups.

Is the next Barn Runner game coming out soon? ... I miss the world and the people - and I'm ready to see Noriko have her dreams come true. [wink.gif]
- Katie.
I hope to have it out be the end of the summer, Katie. I know it's behind schedule, but that's pretty much par for the course these days. I'm doing my best, but there's just not as much free time in my life as there used to be. Thanks for being patient.

Speaking of Noriko...

Noriko wants Harry AND Prick? At teh same time?  O __ o   ... Poor Prick. He has no idea what's waiting for him when he gets back... But I'm keeping my fingers crossed she gets her wish. [smirk.gif]
- Liz
He doesn't know. But you do! And that's called foreshadowing (or forewording or fore-something). I don't know. I was a history major. I don't know much about fancy writer terms and plotting and characters and stuff. But ask me about Ancient Rome or the American Civil War. I can talk for days and days. ;-)

But at least I know about making freeware games... Or do I?

The minigame with the tentacle beasts is kicking my ass big time! I've tried it so many times haha! ... I felt a challenge had now been set, but I rather enjoyed the drag race!... ... I guess the old reflexes have been softened by this wussy adventure game fondness of mine!
-Ben304
Okay, so Aussie gaming wunderkind Ben Chandler is having a bit of trouble with my arcade sequences. But surely everyone else is finding it an enjoyable experience, right?

You should make a patch for the arcade sequences in part 3 to make them a little more doable the drag race arcade sequence is killing me after the second checkpoint so s lower game speed and it slows everything but the arcade sequence which is all i wanted to slow cause some content seems to require you to do the arcade sequences which is why i do them even though they are (in chapter 3) near impossible apart from the arcade sequences being really painful its pretty good man.
- benxben
Okay. That's two people. But both of them are named Ben, so maybe that's the reason they find my arcades frustrating?

I finished it after about 5 hours of suffering through the minigames.  Aside from the 'arcade' scenes, I quite liked it, but I think you should work on the arcade parts to make them less punishing and something approaching balanced, especially the maze and the final race.
- ProgZmax
Okay, I might see a trend emerging here.

Too many action scenes in these last few games... Can you release a version of them that doesn't have the arcades? I don't like them. I just want to play an adventure game.
- The Original Stu
Sigh. Fine, Barn Runner fans. I get the hint.

For those of you who hate arcade sequences in general (or just my arcade sequences in particular), you can easily disable them without missing any other parts of the game by switching them off in the Setup GUI (at the top of screen). For those of you who like the arcade sequences for the most part but hate the underground water maze, either choose "No Maze Arcades" when you start a new game or download this patch to make the water maze much, much easier.

But at least a few people liked my arcade-y bits:

That car chase was a lot of fun and reminded me a lot of Spy Hunter. I dropped so many quarters in that game back when arcades were THE place to hang out.
- Banhammer
Me too! My quarter eating refuge of choice was called "Pirate's Cove" and I spent many a happy hour there back in the day. Truly it was the place where dreams were made, one quarter at a time.

And speaking of dreams (mine, Noriko's and otherwise), let's see how people are reacting to the much-hyped love scene / dream sequence from Barn Runner 5: The Forever Friday 3

It was all a dream?? That's just mean! Poor Prick deserves a better plot twist than that. Boo! BOO!!! [wink2.gif]
- FruityOatyGirl
Sadly, yes. The romantic rendezvous at the Big Oak Motel that I hinted at so much in the build up to Friday 3 turned out to be just a whiskey-fueled fantasy (or nightmare, depending on your outlook). I was trying to top the dream sequences from the first two Forever Friday games. Did I succeed? I can't tell! But one thing I know for sure: It really unleashed a flood of e-mails.

I got really got an earful from you guys about that particular storytelling switcheroo. I thought it would be funny, but some of you really took it personally.

Case in point:

I'm with Prick. Thank God it was all just a terrible (sexy?) dream!!! ... Harry must never know!
- Smudged1
When he and Prick get back to Noriko, I suspect they'll all have a secret to keep. Especially if FruityOatyGirl gets her way.

As I watched the scene play out, I must admit I felt sympathy for Noriko. At long last this was supposed to be her perfect moment with the man who has pursued her tirelessly since their first meeting, and here he was sharing it with some other woman instead. To make matters worse, there was Harry betraying her love with this same cheap salope... I was so very pleased to see you did not actually take the story in this direction... I thank you. [kiss.gif]
- Elita
"Salope". There's a word I didn't know until now. I can't wait to use it in a sentence. Thanks, Elita.

What the hell was the point of that scene? ... Why would Prick even have a dream like that? Fuck this shit... I really wanted to see Norio naked. I even wanted to see Debbie naked. I've been wanting to see the Cheif naked for years! ... Finally there's a sex scene in a Barn Runner game, and who's naked ass is on my screen? Pricks?!?! FFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU-
- FinalBossKevin
Sounds like I defeated the final boss! I win! :D

That sexy interlude needed a lot more Harry and a lot less of whats-her-name. She should have left the room or watched TV or just took pictures or something... I would have sent her out for pizza during the love scene. Those boys would need a snack afterwards, right?  [wink.gif] ... And when Prick put the picture of himself up on the wall in the cow's barn, why didn't we get to see it? I chose for him to pose "full monty" for a reason, damn it! Naughty naughty, Scott. It's not nice to tease your fans! [devilish.gif]
- Pam
I'd say something about how you can't please everyone, but Pam has long been known as the largest Barn Runner perv on the web. And she won't be happy until I make a special "The Erotic Man-Love Adventures of Prick Peckard" game just for her. ;-)

Pricks a fag now? Fuck this game an fuck you!
- (Name withheld because fuck you too)
A few points I need to make: 1) A MMF threeway is a little creepy, but it's not gay. Well, not entirely gay, anyway. 2) It never actually happened. It was all a dream, and one that clearly upset Prick (and was meant to be played for laughs). 3) The idea was planted in his head by Eileen Delroy before she got him drunk (a little too drunk, as it turns out). The dream just took what was laying around in his subconscious and ran with it. 4) So what if he was? It's my story and my character. 5) Fuck you if you can't take a joke. 6) Thanks for playing my games! :-)

Prick and Harry yaoi? Yes please! [grin.gif] This fan girl approves!!!!!
- Chell13
While there was no actual yaoi ("guy on guy") content appears in the game, the amount of Japanese slang (like "yaoi") that appears in my inbox these days tickles me to no end.

Warning!
Tiresome "Back In My Day" Old Man Ramblings Ahead!

I was an anime fan back when pretty much the only way to get most anime was by trading fifth generation VHS tapes with other fans. If you were lucky, you could get a fresh copy straight off a laser disc player at a local convention. If you were super lucky, somebody would have their Amiga running in line with the VCR, and subtitles would be added to your copy, more or less in sync with the episode. Otherwise, you'd have to use a "read along" script to make any sense of the show. I think I still have a few of those scripts in box somewhere, actually. Sue Shambaugh's were always the best ones, if you could find them.

My how things have changed! When I was younger, Yuri was one half of the Dirty Pair. Now it's my favorite type of fan art. And I don't think anyone on this side of the ocean had even heard the word "yaoi" yet. Oh, internet! It was a more innocent time until you came along and started ruining childhoods with your Rule 34..

Speaking of fan art (and adopted Japanese words), big thanks to Spaz! for the Holly and Noriko yuri-themed Valentines' Day picture he sent me a few weeks ago. Very nice! I'd post it here but I try to keep this site as work safe as possible. He also sent me a disturbing pic of Debbie and Holly (featuring Debbie as "futanari" girl with a "big gun" fetish - in every way possible) last year, after Fully Automatic Mojo hit. It was so shockingly well drawn and eye-searing-ly explicit that I dare not check my e-mail in the presence of other people to this very day! Until you came along, Spaz!, I wasn't afraid to log on to Al Gore's information superhighway. Thanks for showing me the error of my ways -- and keep those pictures of the Barn Runner ladies coming! (Ha! Pun!)

And while we're talking about Fully Automatic Mojo...

Barn Runner rocks!! Enjoyed the new Barn Runner game with Prick and Deborah. It was great.
- Tim T.
Tim T. has been a long time fan of the series. He's practically a fixture when it comes time for an e-mail roundup. In fact, to honor his incredible patience regarding my increasingly erratic schedule, I named the ghost pirate who appears in Oceanspirit Dennis: The Naked and The Ninja after him. Thanks for sticking with me for so long, Timmy T.

Finally a substantial role for my favorite Barn Runner character - and in full Pam Grier mode nonetheless. Christmas must have come early this year, or Halloween late, or Easter completely out of turn... Funny thing: I actually preferred the easy ending to the hard one, perfect horror movie punchline.
- Tibatonk
Glad you liked Debbie's new retro look. It was a blast to draw her in the manner of the beloved blaxploitation heroines of my youth. I've always wanted to feature Debbie in the series more than I have, so it was nice to have a chance to finally let her strut her stuff. And it turns out that it was a smart move. Lots of people are loving them some Debbie it seems.

I had to play almost every [stage] more than once because of the difficulty. But this was not a problem since the "You die" cutscene was fun the first time and I could skip it later... And you should put the girl in the promotional screenshot for the game, cause she is hot (and I say that as a straight girl)!
- Cat
See? Even straight chicks dig Debbie!

You know what the game needed? A level where Deb has to swim through a giant tank of cool, clean, refreshing water. And of course, she'd have to take off her clothes before she dove in, because she wouldn't want to get those 'fine threads' wet. And then she'd have to run around naked for a while after so she could dry off... So yeah. Naked swimming level. Then a naked running arounnd level. Make that happen  with the next patch please. And make sure the water is just a little bit cold. Thanks. =)
- Hector-In-FL
Hector is a recent fan, but a very vocal one. He's sent me quite a few e-mails over the last year and a half. Sometimes they  have a bit of fan art attached. Let's just say that Hector REALLY loves Debbie. ;-)

Alright I loved the new Barn Runner game! Damn you got sick and I kept waiting and waiting and waiting and then one day HOLY SHIT it's here! ... So I'm able to beat the game on all three difficulty levels, I had a bit more trouble with bad ass but it was still quite doable... I'm looking for that hidden difficulty... I need some hints about where to look for that hard ass difficulty. I'm thinking it's either some secret that must be found ingame, or it's unlocked by doing superbly good in bad ass mode?
- Shawn R.
The secret difficulty level for Fully Automatic Mojo can only be accessed on Halloween day. So wait a few months (or reset your PC's calendar).

You say how evryone in the story loves Noriko's ass. But if you ask me Debbie has the best ass in the barn runner world. How can I be the only one who understands this? Is everyone blind?
- Sailornaboo
You may think you're alone in grasping this truth, Sailornaboo, but my e-mail inbox tells me otherwise.

Damn, hot 70s afro Debbie. Why did it take you so long to make an appearnce? Why you keep me waiting so long, girl?
- Koji
I hope he was writing to Debbie instead of me as a joke. Otherwise, the ol' e-mail inbox just got a little creepier. ;-)

Are you planning to do any more christmas or halloween games with the girls as the stars? Its a nice change of pace to play as one of them. Plus it was fun to see Holly and Noriko in the tub. <-- Very fun!
- Weakly Reader
To be fair, the only games that don't feature Prick as the player character are Christmas Soup and Fully Automatic Mojo. But both of them proved to be much more popular than I expected them to be. I hope to do another game featuring the Barn Runner ladies one day.

Enough about Debbie and her action packed game of sexiness. Let's turn our attention to the recent AGS Bake Sale and my contribution to it: The Rich Dame Who Cut The Cheese.

I missed the bake sale. Is it too late to get a copy of your game?
- Fieke
Sorry, Fieke. The AGS Bake Sale has come and gone, and no more bundles of gaming goodness are available for sale. But the "rights" to the game revert to me next year, so check back in 2013. You never know, the game may suddenly appear on this website.
SPOILER: It will go up on this site on March 1, 2013. [Highlight with mouse to read]

Great games for a great cause. Thanks for doing this. ... Falling Skyward is fantastic.
- Mark H.
You're welcome. We were glad to do it and we owe our unexpected success to the many fine gamers such as yourself who were ready to help out a bunch of sick kids by supporting our efforts. I don't even care that you like Ben304's game more than mine. ;-)

Just got my bake sale bundle. Loving it so far. Can't wait to see what you do next year.
- Chip
Thanks. It was a lot of work but we were glad to do it. As for what we've got in store for next year, I'm wondering that myself. I organized the first AGS Bake Sale, but others will be taking it over for 2013. That way it isn't about "my" AGS Bake Sale, but about the AGS community as a whole. I won't be running it, but I hope I can be a part of it. :-)

I really like the new character Aurora. As a woman (on the internet! gasp!) I rarely see women in video games who look more like the way we really do and not just a bunch of leggy, top-heavy, tiny-waisted teenagers with stunningly luxurious hair and sweet ninja skillz... More mature, curvy woman in games would be much appreciated by many female games. Thanks for doing your part... And it's nice that your hero was smitten by the affections of such a full-figured woman. Again, thanks.
- Nalorie F.
Glad you liked Aurora. And thanks for introducing me to the name Nalorie. I'd never heard it before and read it as Malorie the first time I opened this letter. I didn't catch the N until I read it again to pick and choose excerpts for this post. Nalorie. It's just fun to say. Nnnnnnaaallllorieeeee. Neat!

Plus, it's always good to advance the idea of "real women with real bodies" into the boys club of video gaming. I feel like some genuine progress was made today. And gosh darn it, I'll sleep well tonight because of it.

See, fellas? Women aren't sex objects. They're people. And we'd all do well to remember that, don't you think? Of course we would!

However, this young man would like to offer a counterpoint:

Teh Mayors got EPIC tits!!    --->  ( . ) ( . )  <---   :D
- KK
I received both Nalorie's and KK's e-mails on the same day. Bless you, Internet!

Just watched your YouTube video... You should do a commentary track for all your games. I could listen to you read a menu, Ponch... It's very relaxing. ^ _ ^
- Mia
Thanks, Mia. But you have AGS superstar WHAM to thank for that. He wanted to get a commentary track from each Bake Sale game creator. He pursued me for weeks and wouldn't take no for an answer. I had to download Skype and buy a microphone headset just to shut him up. Glad you liked it.

You're both mispronouncing Duchamp. It's neither Doo-Kamp nor Doo-Champ. The proper way to say it is Doo-Shaw. Or possibly Doo-Shamp, if you're a silly Englishman. I have no idea who taught you Americans to speak. [wink.gif]
- Kaarle H.
To be fair to WHAM (aka Tomi), he's not American. He's from Finland, so he speaks Finlandish and can be forgiven for not properly Frenching things up on the YouTubes. As far as my terrible mangling of the name goes, that's how my friend with that very same name pronounces it: Dew-Camp. If its good enough for her family, it's good enough for YouTube. And lastly, no one taught us yanks to speak. That's why it's so charming when we try!

Do you really do all your art on paper like you say? LOL The year 2012 called. it says the 90's are over. Get a tablet dudebro.
- R. T.
I do indeed draw all the Barn Runner art (sprites, backgrounds, etc.) on paper using a pencil and a T-square. I have a tablet, but I prefer to use my old drafting table and tech pens. I just find it incredibly relaxing to do things "old school." (And the year 2000 called. It says people stopped using the "BLANK called" joke ten years ago.... Unless you were being ironic because I'm old and you thought it was a joke I would get... Damn it so much! Kids today!)

Oh wow. I was sure I was the only person who remembered Riptide!
- Nazim
Buddy, you and me both. I had to dig deep into the closet of my mind to pull out the Roboz!

Nice to see Mayor Duchamp in another story. But where was Debbie? She's my waifu. <3 ... And where the Cheif and Noriko on a date? I thought Noriko was with Harry now. Is she cheating on him? And she wants Prick too? Man, Noriko is a nympho! LOL Maybe I should make Noriko my waifu. ... And why the hell didn't [Prick] jump into that little bed with that big girl? She clearly wanted to hook up. Is he just that dense? Or was Aurora just too much woman for our hero?
- Daryl F.
Waifu. Another new word I had to look up. Thanks, Daryl. I don't think I'll ever use it in a sentence, but at least I know what it means.

In regards to Noriko: Yes, she's on a date with Holly. But no, she isn't cheating on Harry. The Rich Dame Who Cut The Cheese takes place in January 15, 2192 (just a few weeks after Christmas Soup). Holly and Noriko are still a couple at this point and won't break up until later that year (in the Autumn, for those of you taking notes). Noriko doesn't start dating Harry (or "hooking up" as the kids say today) until early 2193.

And as far as Aurora goes, Prick knew very well what she wanted -- she was pretty clear about it, after all. But with his boss downstairs keeping tabs on him, he didn't want to risk her wrath by sneaking off for a "spirited and vigorous romp" (as the kids say today, no doubt) with a suspect in the case he was investigating.

I'm a long time Barn Runner fan, I got into it with The Prick That Came Out Of The Cold, but as the series grew complex and more complex, and as you decided to release Forever Friday in episodes, I decided I did not want to replay 10+ games every time a new Barn Runner game was released to refresh my memory on the previous events and it would be better if I waited until Forever Friday was finished before playing each and every Barn Runner games in one go, that way every little detail will be fresh in my mind when I'll play them.

So for the last years, I've visited your site every week, saved all the patches and games and episodes in a folder, until that fateful day where Episode five (now six) would be out, where I would finally be able to do my Barn Runner marathon. I've been doing the same with Ben Jordan... I love the Barn Runner series... I must admit I have a soft spot for Dr Noriko.
- blueskirt
Now THAT is a dedicated fan. I hope the rest of you are taking notes! (Also, Ben Jordan rocks. If you haven't played that series yet, I highly recommend it.)

Would you please stop with the 1990s Image comic book "good girl" stuff and just show these ladies naked already? Its been years and I'm tired of of the peek-a-boo shit. The 90s are over. Show the goods! You're killing me!
- Drex
Another dedicated fan. All these years of waiting and playing, and he's still waiting for some sizzling T&A to just drop out of the sky. Don't give up, Drex. You're an inspiration to us all. ;-)

Just wanted to drop a note to say thanks for all the Barn Runner goodness over the years. They’re some of the most enjoyable games I’ve ever played. I spent many, MANY hours coding into the night on my own AGS adventure last year, and playing through Forever Friday during breaks kept my spirits up (or at least kept me laughing maniacally in a thankfully-empty office).
- Chris Burton
Chris is one of the devious masterminds behind the very funny "Da New Guys" series of games. If you haven't played his stuff yet, you should. At the very least, give the demo a shot. You can find it over at www.danewguys.com.

Hey, just wanted to give you a hearty "Thank You" for the games. I'm in college; free entertainment is highly appreciated, and keeps me from loosing my already tenuous grip on sanity. The Barn Runners are easily the best free games I've played, and substantially better than some of those I've paid for. I figured an ata' boy was the least I could do (and never let it be said I didn't do the least I could do)... Thanks again, and keep up the excellent work!
- mr_knowie
Thanks Mr. Knowie. I always appreciate a minimal amount of effort. ;-)

I am a big fan of retro adventure games. I was beginning to think that after Monkey Island, Space Quest, Ringworld, etc, I would not find any more games with the right combination of intrigue, adventure and humor to keep me hooked.  But then I discovered Barn Runner, and now I am hooked again.
- Robin B.
Glad I could get you back on the drug that is freeware adventure gaming. And just as you were about to go back to being a productive member of society too. Gosh! That was a close one!

Is the Barn Runner saga really coming to an end soon? Oh noes!... I hope you have a better ending in mind than the steaming pile that Mass Effect 3 served up.
- Megazord Steve
Oh good lord, Steve. Do NOT get me started on the ending of ME3. Five damn years of my life for a "choose your favorite color" ending. >:-(

When Prick went into the cow's barn, the sight of the fine art, rugs, book collection, and bust of Louis Pasteur cracked me up. I laughed so loud I woke up my baby who I had just put down for a nap. Thanks a bunch. [rolleyes.gif]
- Julia M.
You're welcome. And speaking of young gamers...

My aunt let me play the games and I made copys. Very funny. I'm probably your yooungest fan. I'm 14. I just finished game 3. I like Debbie. I hope he chooses her and not Noriko. She's always mean to him and I think Debbie likes him more than but hides it. Love his shirts to. [glomp.gif]
- Summer
I have a fourteen year old fan? Neat! (Or "keen" or "fab" or whatever you kids are saying today). I had no idea that my games reached across the generation gap. Welcome to the club, Summer. Please don't download the "Adult Content" patch for another four or five years, okay? And please don't read most of the e-mails posted above this one. They're probably a little too advanced for you. Also, I've just learned that most of my fans are perverts, apparently. So I'm glad I have at least one decent person on my team. Together we can take back the internet from people like Pam and Hector_In_FL. (Just kidding! I love you guys!)

And that does it for this year's E-Mail Roundup. Hopefully, the Mayans were full of crap and we'll all be around to do this again next year. Otherwise, don't say I didn't try to cram in every e-mail I could. Heck, it's practically at "Too Long; Didn't Read" (or tl;dr for the interwebs savvy) critical mass! Just look at how much you had to scroll past just so you could ignore your way down to this part of the page.

If you didn't bother to read it all, you should. It's amazing! It's beautiful. It's delightfully risque! And best of all, you guys wrote most of it.

And on that note, I'll see you guys back here next month for more Barn Runner news (and by "more" I mean much less. Seriously, what a pain in the ass it was to type all that. Whew!).